I want to dedicate this post to my first boss, Mary Frangakis. Sometimes, the most unbiased, sane advice on parenting comes from people who don't have kids.
Before I became a mother, I had opinions about parenting. I was always told, "Just wait until you're a parent. You'll change." (Never try to teach me a life lesson by starting a sentence with "Just wait." I will ignore everything that comes after it.) The funny thing is, I'm a mom now...to a bonafide toddler...and my position still stands.
In the words of Cher Horowitz, "I don't want to be a trader to my generation and all," but what is my generation thinking with the current mode of parenting. I am surrounded by people who constantly give into a child whose brain is half their size. I don't get it. See, I love my child with unwavering dedication. I would give my life for hers at any moment, but I have a different opinion on what that sacrifice means.
She cries. Yep, she does it at least 52 times a day for a variety of reasons. She cries because her nose is running, because she wants juice instead of milk, because she's "hangry," because she can't get the sock she pulled off her foot to fit on her head. She's irrational by nature. The first thing that comes to mind, which I tell her often, is "Sorry kid, life is full of frustrations. Get used to it." Part of my job at this point,is to parcel out the problems she faces that she just doesn't have the developmental capacity to solve and solve them for her (i.e. diaper changing). The other half is helping her to recognize that successful, well-developed people build the capacity to experience frustration and adjust themselves accordingly. And that starts the moment they come outta the chute.
Case in point...
My child is at the "I'm-going-to-throw-my-sippy-cup-on-the-floor-because-I think-it's-fun-to-watch you-pick-it-up-and-give-it-back-to-me-only-so-I-can-throw-it-down-on-the-floor-again" phase. You get the picture.
But I get criticized. I am told that I shouldn't be hard on her. That she doesn't know any better and because she doesn't know any better, I should accept the behavior, laugh lovingly, and tell her how adorable she is. And this, my friends, is the reason we have universities dedicating offices to dealing with helicopter parents upset that their alcoholic son doesn't deserve a D because tried hard. So not adorable.
Hell no! She doesn't know how to behave, and there are consequences to poor behavior. The easy thing to do would be to let the behavior continue and smile. NO! NO! NO! She doesn't make the rules. I do. That cup throwing drives me up the wall. The harder, yet more appropriate thing to do is, to take the cup and place it on the counter, which always prompts whining and even all out screaming causing me to walk into the other room, take a couple sips/gulps of red wine and a few deep breaths. But she will learn (after the 115th time) to operate in a world where the rules aren't negotiable to make her feel happy.
Flash forward 20 years...she's late for work. Do you think her boss is going to give a rat's ass that my daughter has never had to get up at 6 AM, fully dress herself, and be at her desk ready to work at 9 AM? Do you think she will hug her and smile and think it's cute that she has not developed an understanding that her love of sleeping in doesn't supersede her responsibility to her employer? NO! She's going to fire her ass after the third warning (and only because the policy says she has to give her 3 warnings).
Baby's are little people. Evolution has assured human survival by making them cute because otherwise, parents would have thrown in the towel eons ago. The very fact that my child doesn't understand that it is unacceptable to throw down a cup, or rip up a book, or rub poop on herself is the very reason I need to set the expectation and use basic human behavioral principles to enable her to learn.
And let me say, the next time a non-parent friend tries to weigh in and you dismiss her opinion: Remember, she probably just had to fire a 23 year old for being a hour late for work for the 3rd time.
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